I wrote this last April in response to a newspaper article and comments by Brian Murphy of the KNBR Morning Show with Murph and Mac (Paul McCaffrey), who said that Tiger had become such a mythic figure that we were all going to have to start using “-eth” verb endings when discussing him. So, with apologies to Bill Blake:
(On the occasion of the 2010 Masters)
Magnolia-balmed, arriveth Tiger,
Around him scriveth restive writers.
Deployeth he a dark phalanx
Of 90 bouncers, stacked in ranks,
To keep at bay the fans, the girls,
The “Whos?”, the “Whys?”, the awkward world.
The show begins, he shutteth down,
Deflecting questions all around,
Responding not, he won’t hobnob,
It’s disrespect! This miked-up Mob
That dareth question “Bad” and “Good,”
And his pursuit of Maidenhood.
He wondreth: “Not a thing on putting?
Just hookers? Strippers? Faithless rutting?
Do they not care that I’m the best
With putter, irons, and the rest?”
They don’t. No more. Now ply they spades
To disinter his Sexcapades.
He wisheth (squinting in the kliegs,
All wearied of his sex fatigues)
He were again golf’s sacred Him–
And not this Tiger, burning dim.